The Toilet Situation
Does a single woman living alone in a three-bedroom house really need three toilets with bidet seats? The overwhelming answer to that is—Yes, damn it!
Toilets. Where would we be without them. Well, okay, in an open field or down some alley or behind a sand dune, emphasis on the behind. Been there, done that.
Being from the United States, I prefer the type of toilet one sits upon. I do not squat, unless absolutely necessary. Insert here: China and Japan. And, my first experience with squatting over a nasty hole, Provence in la-not-so-belle France.
Having grown up in crowded conditions, toilet-wise, I always feel that one bathroom per person isn’t so much a luxury as a necessity. Has it ever worked out that way? Not until now. Children gone, husband ensconced elsewhere, I wander my house thinking, which toilet should have the benefit of my ass this hour? (I drink a lot of water.). Should it be my office toilet, my absolute favorite? Or should I climb the stairs to the hall bathroom, where my Toto toilet with the low water pressure sits? Oh should I—
Well, that’s the problem isn’t it. My en suite toilet is NOT working. How did this come about? An interesting story to be sure.
Here I was, remodeling my 1955-year-old house, which included what is jokingly called the “master” bedroom with en suite. My daughter and my contractor thought, wouldn’t it be wonderful if Mommy had a no-hands flush toilet with attached bidet seat from Kohler?
I wanted a simple toilet topped by a bidet seat from Costco. Why did I not stand my ground?
Fancy toilet went in for more than I wanted to spend. Fast forward past the warranty date. I flush the toilet and notice water leaking. What does one do but call the plumber, someone I formerly trusted, who sent one of his minions to ruin my life. He assured me, while there was an hourly rate, it surely wouldn’t take him more than an hour. $375 later, he couldn’t fix the problem which he claimed was the bidet and I later learned from Kohler he shouldn’t even have tried. That’s more than the bidet seat cost!
Next, this self-flushing, hands-free toilet went into overdrive. In other words, it was self-flushing itself to death and me to a higher water bill. I have just learned that Kohler has been trying to re-engineer its sensor on this hand-waving toilet because the battery pack gets moisture in it. But after several attempts, Kohler has given up. Also, my model has been discontinued. So, while I do have an en suite bathroom, it doesn’t contain a toilet, as of this writing.
Now, you’re probably thinking, what kind of woman writes about not having three toilets to use when Covid is killing the unvaccinated, when people are fighting and dying in Africa and elsewhere, when clean water is at a premium all over the world, when there is drought and famine and wild fires? Is she totally unaware of the reality of 99.999 percent of the world?
Believe me, I am well aware. I am well aware that this is a silly, stupid piece of pouting about what is absolutely unimportant. And yet, damn it, I want my third toilet. Invitations will ensue for the inauguration.